Noooobody Expected That Story!
Written by Hunter
(Ah, the church. An impressive building of stone and vitrals, forever a monument to the Christians' devotion to God. Sadly, these considerations are not in the mind of some particular attenders to today's mass...)
Magnus: I'm bored.
Hunter: Sshh! The celebration begins soon!
Falling Star: On that matter, why did we come here? I mean, we aren't all Catholics.
Hunter: I've read some things about this place, and apparently the priest seems to be open about people of all religions.
Kayorei: (as organ music is played) We'll discuss that after.
(The mass went as usual, until the readings...)
Priest: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one. And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
Iga: *muttering* I didn't know that part.
(And at the end of the celebration...)
Priest: Thanks be to God. And now, *takes out an electric guitar* in the words of the Apostle Peter, "Let's Rock".
(And thus, the church emptied itself on christian rock. Quite unusual.)
Magnus: Kinda good, I admit.
Hunter: A nice change from last time I went to a mass, in fact.
Shinobu: Oh? Do tell.
Hunter: Well, for starters there wasn't much of a roof, and... *leaves, followed by Magnus, Falling Star and Shinobu*
Kayorei: I've always wondered how one plays organ. Anyone coming with me?
Naoshi: I do. *both go upstairs*
Iga: Well, guess I'll follow the others outside... *passes by a table full of leaflets* Hang on. *picks one* The Inquisition needs men. Be a man in the Inquisition! Hmmm. Worth a try.
(A few days later, at a familiar place...)
Riff: Anyone having ideas against the Mercs, people?
Staccato: Alas, nothing comes to me, mylord.
Lento: Unit wasn't asked to search.
Warpman: *doesn't pay attention, and plays on a DS*
Riff: *sighs* Another day in my life. And you two?
Karasū: My work on the streams of magic weren't oriented towards fight, companion.
Warpman: *still playing*
Riff: And you, Warpman?
Warpman: *ditto*
Riff: WARPMAN!
Warpman: *drops his DS in surprise* Damnit! I was nearly done beating my high-score!
Riff: It's been a week since you snarled at us. Anything wrong?
Warpman: What? No! Can't a guy be nice once in a while?
Staccato: You can tell your brothers-in-arms if anything is wrong.
Lento: Fatal Five are Team.
Warpman: Everything. Is. Fine. Got it?
Karasū: This doesn't sound like you.
Warpman: Geez, I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition...
(And on dramatic music, entered three forms clad in red!)
?: Nooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
(Iga, and two Sniper Joes!... One of which has an aviator hat.)
Riff: No, you're not.
Iga: What?
Staccato: You cannot be the Spanish Inquisition, for you are American.
Lento: Units should be "American Inquisition".
Iga: Ah, but I trained as a Spanish Inquisitor. Look here! *takes papers from his pocket*
Warpman: "Formation for a high rank in the Church. All confessions accepted."
Iga: Yeah. The demand of Inquisitor spots is a bit low.
Riff: "Trip to Barcelona included."
Karasū: "50% off if you bring in two underlings."
Sniper Joes: *wave hello*
Iga: And so, once I'm trained as a Spanish inquisitor, I can work as an American Inquisitor.
Riff: Makes sense to me.
Iga: So, where were we? *a Joe mutters to Iga* Ah, yeah. Hrrm. Our chief weapons are fear and surprise and...
Warpman: No, they're not.
Iga: What?
Karasū: Indeed. You, companion uses a staff, while your underlings have a Buster, just as you.
Iga: I meant as an Inquisitor.
Karasū: Oh, sorry. Carry on, then.
Iga: Our chief... well, we've lost the mood. Could we try this again?
Riff: Sure thing. Everyone in place!
(The Inquisition leaves.)
Warpman: Alright. So, what did I say?... Ah, yes. "Geez, I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition..."
(And on dramatic music, entered three forms clad in red!)
Iga: Nooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapons are fear, and surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms, and... well that's about it.
Riff: *nods* Nice stuff.
Iga: Thanks. Now, Biggles, read the charges.
"Biggles": *unscrolls a paper* Warpman Wily, you are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. Among which are cursing, not respecting your creator, blasphemy, bad taste jokes about the Pope...
Warpman: I can't help it! They write themselves!
"Biggles": ... And generally being ugly as sin.
Iga: Thanks, Biggles. Now, how do you plead?
Warpman: Innocent!
The Inquisition: *diabolical laughter*
The Five, minus Warpman: *diabolical laughter*
Riff: Seriously, you pleading innocent? *more diabolical laughter*
Iga: Ah-HEM.
Riff: Oh, sorry.
Iga: Remember who's the Inquisitor. *diabolical laughter* We'll soon change your mind about that! Fang!
"Fang": Yes, sir?
Iga: Give us... the rack!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC!)
"Fang": ...
Iga: I said... the rack!
"Fang": ... Okay. *rummages through his pockets to find...*
Iga: Is that a kitchen rack?
"Fang": That's all I found, sir.
Iga: *sighs* Fine, then. Get him!
(And after a bit of effort, Warpman was tied to the rack!... Or the other way around.)
Iga: And now, how do you plead?
Warpman: Innocent.
Iga: Biggles, give the rack... give the rack a turn.
"Biggles": Err, how, sir?
Iga: Improvise! Had it not been for your... incompetence, we'd be able to work in decent conditions!
"Fang": Can't help it if the only store with the good kind of rack was out of stock.
Iga: We'll discuss that later. Now, Warpman, could you try and cooperate a bit?
Warpman: Anything, as long as it means you wackos leave the place. *screams as "Biggles" turn on an invisible wheel*
Iga: And now, how do you plead?
Warpman: Still innocent, you monkey brain!
Iga: Fang, add "insults to an Inquisitor" to the charges.
"Fang": Yes, sir!
"Biggles": *a hand on his helmet* Wait, sir! Some people just called our name a few blocks away!
Iga: Hmmm... No evil goes unpunished. Onward! *turns to the Fatalists* We shall be back, miscreants!
(They run away, leaving some confused Fatalists.)
Karasū: Shouldn't we have attacked them? We were five, and they were three, obviously lacking in mind.
Riff: I dunno... guess we were too weirded out.
Warpman: *effortlessly breaks the string apart* Should we contact the Mercs to tell them how one of their recruits wastes his time?
Staccato: At last, honorable words from thine mouth.
Warpman: Bah. We're supposed to be the ones killing them, right? And if they run around like that, someone else will end them. I'm just securing our job.
Lento: Logic is warped yet correct.
(And later, at Henry's Hideout...)
Riff: Thanks for providing a neutral place, Henry.
Henry: No prob. Just don't blast the place apart.
Hunter: So, what's the problem?
Warpman: Your pet monkey. Runs around clad in red and tortures people.
Naoshi: And what exactly do YOU see wrong with it?
Warpman: He did it on me.
Kayorei: Actually, we saw this as well. Shinobu?
Shinobu: *walking out of the shadows, arms behind his back* Yup?
Magnus: Can't believe I saw this. The stuff they used... *shudders*
Staccato: Even a reckless like you was taken aback? This must be some devil work.
Hunter: Indeed. Shinobu, show them... the Mittens!
(And on the red Merc's hands were...)
Riff: ... Pink, blue-dotted mittens. Wow.
Falling Star: They really came in unprepared.
Kayorei: We laughed a bit at this, and we think this is what angered Iga.
Magnus: He... he used Irony on us!
The Mercs, the Fatal Five and Henry: *shiver*
Shinobu: He was about to use Sarcasm when they got your calling.
Hunter: So, in a way, you saved us.
Warpman: Godammit.
Riff: So, do you have any ideas on stopping your teammate?
Magnus: *raises his hand*
Naoshi: *sighs* "A great fire" is NOT the universal answer.
Magnus: *lowers his hand*
Hunter: I may have an idea... *everyone gets round him as he mutters*... So?
Riff: If this the only way...
Kayorei: *a bit stiff* I... couldn't put it better.
Hunter: Fine, then. I'll prepare everything. Be ready.
(The next day, in an abandoned warehouse... Man, there is some kind of perpetual economy crisis here, isn't it?)
Falling Star: This is ridiculous.
Kayorei: At least, the sandwiches are good.
Staccato: *bows* They were all prepared by my hand. Your smile is food to my heart.
(Fatalists and Mercs having a picnic together? Mass hysteria!)
Warpman: Why do we have to set up everything like this? I say we summon 'em, blast 'em and call it a day!
Hunter: It's all about theatricality. Everyone ready?
Everyone present: *nods*
Hunter: Alrighty, then. "Well, if this isn't some kind of Spanish Inquisition!"
(And on dramatic music, entered three forms clad in red!)
Iga: Nooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Hunter: Actually, we did.
Iga: Our chief weapons are fear, and surprise, ruth- what?
Riff: Yeah, we were throwing in a "Spanish Inquisition appreciation day", and it's only natural to invite you.
Iga: Why, that's kind of you.
"Fang": Did you see this, sir? Our work is recognized!
"Biggles": *in tears* We're true inquisitors now! This is the happiest day in my life!
Kayorei: Have a drink, now.
Iga: Oh? What do you have here?
Hunter: Only... *grins*
Iga: Uh-oh. Don't say it! Please!
Hunter: Kool-Aid.
Kool-Aid Man: *barging through the wall* OH YEEEAAAAH!
Karasū: We set on a quest for someone of sanguine color, and a behavior as annoying as yours.
Kayorei: Even if we had to call the Hoff for this...
Kool-Aid Man: and I'll let you know I'm not happy with y'all stealing my job.
Iga: And what wrong did we do?
Kool-Aid Man: Barging in houses, yelling, leaving the place, and repeat it elsewhere. I'm the creator here! Besides, you do this while dressed in red.
"Fang": Just say Santa stole your job, while you're at it!
Kool-Aid Man: There's a trial in progress, in fact.
Everyone: ...
"Biggles": Let's leave sir. We have nothing to do with a delusional pitcher.
Kool-Aid Man: And WHO exactly are you calling delusional, monkey-brain?
Iga: Okay, stop it. Man, I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition...
*OMINOUS THUNDER*
(I think we sort of divided by zero, here.)
The Spanish Inquisition: Nooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Kool-Aid Man: Ah, the originals. We have a lot to discuss!
Everyone: *watching the argument*...
Iga: *removes his robe* Well, it was fun. But you have less problems being a Merc.
"Biggles": I dunno... I liked the aviator helmet.
Hunter: Just keep it if you want.
"Biggles": Thanks, Cap'n.
Lento: Current scene is too silly.
Sergeant-Major: *coming in* Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...
Kayorei: Everyone agreeing to leave?
Everyone: *nod and leave*
Sergeant-Major: Everyone, move along! This is getting extremely silly in here!
(And so, another adventure ended... without much done.)
Sergeant-Major: And you, sir, are the cause for all this silliness!
(Maybe, but I have the last word. Hah!)
THE END
