Frogs Don't Make Good Contracts

Written by Hunter


(Our story begins ... somewhere. In Japan. Some kind of ... underground base. People ... plotting.)

Green: Thanks for the Shatner imitation.

Black: That's my Sergeant-san! Always finding the right words!

Red: You done fooling around? We have a meeting to attend, you know!

Yellow: Ku~kuku ... I can't wait all day, you know.

Green: Alright, alright. Everyone here? Good. Then -

Blue (in a puff of smoke): Hold it!

Green: Ah, yeah, we kinda forgot you.

Yellow: Again ... Kuu~kukukuku ...

(Excuse me, but would you mind telling me who you are?)

Green: Eh? You're a new narrator?

Red: You see? We have a second narrator already! We've been trying to invade Earth for way too long!

(Presentations, please!)

Green: Okay, fine.

Green frog: The name's Sergeant Keroro, leader of the Keroro Platoon!

Red frog: Corporal Giroro, ready to fight!

Blue frog: Lance-Corporal Doro-

Black frog: Private Tamama!

Blue frog: -ro.

Yellow frog: Meh. Sergeant-Major Kururu.

Keroro: So, that's done. Now, for the reason of the meeting, I have come up with a new strategy.

Giroro: This one can't be worse than controlling the radio emissions!

Keroro: You try coming up with a plan, and then you'll be able to talk!

Tamama: So, Sergeant-san, what is it today?

Keroro: Easy. We will use some external help.

(Quickly, the batracian officer takes a leaflet and throws it on the meeting table.)

Keroro: These people seem to have a good experience when it comes to fighting. We can certainly use it.

Giroro: I demand to see them before letting them handle the invasion.

Dororo: We must make sure they won't damage nature as well!

Keroro: Easy, easy! We'll strictly monitor them while they do the job! That way, we let them do the hard job, and guess who'll be rewarded by the Keron Army?

Giroro: B ... Brilliant!

Tamama: Perfect, Sergeant-san!

Dororo: I expected no less from you, leader.

Kururu: Deception, the easy way ... I like it. Say, wouldn't I influence you?

Keroro: Err ... thanks ... I guess?

(Meanwhile, let's see who they will work with.)

Hunter *running around the Marauder's living room and grabbing random Joes at the throat*: Shiniiing Fingeeeeer!

Iga *hands covered with paint blots, carrying a model*: There! Another warrior for the forces of Zeon!

(The living room is a complete mess: Gundam mangas lying around, half-built Gundam models all over the tables, and on TV ... You guess what's on.)

Naoshi *looking from a distance*: Mark my words. This is the last time we do a Gundam week-end.

Falling Star: You think they're insanely bored again?

Magnus: Maybe not bored, but insane, I'm sure of it.

Kayorei: How can you tell?

Magnus: There's obviously something wrong with Bandaï's choice of colors. Why would Char drive such a pink armor? It should be a dark red!

Naoshi, Kayorei, Falling Star and Shinobu: *back away slowly*

Magnus: What? Do I have bad breath?

Speaker: A requester is calling. I repeat, a requester is calling.

Hunter *stands up*: Back to work, then. Let's see who it is, but before ... *grabs a green model with a red left arm* I must expose Zakugarne on the main deck!

Kayorei: ... He painted a model at his effigy?

Shinobu *shrugs*: To everyone his hobby.

Magnus: That pun pains me.

(At the main deck...)

Keroro (voice-only): So, you're the Seven Mercenaries, right?

Hunter: Exactly, sir. And you are ...?

Keroro (voice-only): Sergeant Keroro. My platoon and I wish to meet you before giving a request. Coordinates have been handed to your crew.

Naoshi *while heading to the teleporters*: "Sergeant"? Think we may end up in a revolution of some sorts?

Iga: We can still deny the request, though. And remember, we have a captain on our side.

Shinobu: I'd ... rather not remember that bit.

Magnus: Okay, time to go zappy. 5-CO, go!

Crew Joe: Yes, sir. *tipes in the coordinates*

(One zappy later, the Mercs arrived in the Platoon's base. Actually, they were quite surprised to meet...)

Kayorei: Frogs?

Naoshi: Seriously, isn't a giant pitcher weird enough?

Falling Star: Gotta take money where it is. And there is a Toadman around.

Giroro: I admit, they look rather strong.

Dororo: They remind me of these video game characters ... I ... I remember...

(Chatting stops as all turn to Dororo.)

Dororo: I ... I was at the final boss ... only a shot and I would have beaten the game, and ...

(Click! Trauma switch turns on.)

Dororo: Keroro came in the room running ... and he tripped in the console's wires ... the TV fell and smashed the console and the game ... and I had to pay for everything! *sulks in a corner of the room*

Iga: Does it happen a lot here?

Keroro: Many times.

Keroro: Now, what do you say of visiting our base We have the arsenal, the hangars, the Gundam room...

Iga, Hunter and Magnus: Gundam!

Keroro: Fellow fans! At last!

(All three Gundam nerds happily run away, while Dororo still sobs in the corner.)

Kururu (walks to Kayorei): Excuse me, miss.

Kayorei (kneeling): Yeah?

Kururu: I have a specific request for you ... *whispers in Kayorei's ear* Kuu~kuku! Interested?

Kayorei: ... *slams Kururu in the wall* Anyone of you frogs not terminally insane or sick?

Giroro: I suppose it only leaves me. Lieutnants assuming command for their leaders, eh?

Naoshi: We don't really work that way. We're rather ... communist. Sharing leadership and all.

Giroro: Whatever. As long as one of you can give me details about your arsenal and fighting methods.

Falling Star *dramatic pose*: Let it be known that no weapon in our arsenal can match my combination of powers and skills! *looks around* Everyone's gone?

Dororo (still in the corner): (At last! A partner in loneliness!)

Falling Star *running away*: Wait for me!

Dororo: (Or not.)

(Meanwhile, in Skull Castle.)

Warpman: I can't believe it.

Karasū: Alas, it has happened.

Staccato: Who would have guessed such a feat was plausible?

Warpman: He beat us with friggin' Pichu!

Lento: Fatal Five want rematch?

Riff: *switches off TV* How about we put ourselves to work, for a change?

Warpman: You're like this because you didn't get to play, right?

Riff: Yeah! ... I mean, no! We must defeat the Mercs once and for all!

Staccato: Mylord, you are trying to convince yourself.

Lento: Merc activity: missing. Waiting suggested.

Mr. Whiz (coming in): Got news for you, people. We spotted the Mercs near Tokyo.

Warpman: See? What did we just tell you?

Staccato: Are you willing to play, master quickster? I believe I must let Roy have a well-deserved rest.

Mr. Whiz: Thanks for the offer, but no. Metal Man played with the mixer again.

Karasū: *cringes* We have some stain-remover in the cupboard.

Mr. Whiz: Good, I was nearly out. Gotta go! *runs away*

Warpman: Well, to Japan, I guess.

Riff: ...Yes.

(After a quick travel to said country, we find our friends on a roof...)

Lento: Target in sight?

Riff (with binoculars): I got them in sight. Walking out of a toy store, with a bag full of models. Hunter, Magnus, Iga and ... what the frak is that thing?

Warpman (snatching the binoculars): Some kind of giant frog. So?

Riff: First, it looks like it's talking. And how come no one seems to mind it?

Staccato *shrugs*: There may be stranger things in Japan happening every day. Do you remember the Warriors' tale, with these giant lizards?

Warpman: Hang on. It seems like no one minds it ... because no one seems to see it.

Karasū: Some sort of selective camoflage? I am intrigued.

Riff: Let's track them down!

(Both groups, consumers and spies, went to a normal-looking house.)

Riff: On the count of three, we break through the door and rush in.

Fatal Five: *nod*

Riff: One ... Two ... three!

SFX: CRASH!

Riff (under a pile of Fatalists): Door ... not closed ... can't feel my legs ...

(Under the house...)

Tamama: Huh? Did anyone else hear a crash?

Dororo (without looking up): They're probably trying out the arsenal ... without me ... *continues sobbing*

Tamama: No problem, then. *snatches a bag of chips and a comic*

(Fatalist time!)

Riff: Look all around the house! The Mercs could hide anywhere!

Staccato (from upstairs): Nothing here.

Karasū (in the kitchen): Same here.

Warpman (going through the first floor): Nope.

Lento (in the bathroom): ... What were we looking for again?

Riff *sighs*: Some secret passage. Like, this trap door here ... wait.

Warpman: I know what you'll say, oh great leader.

Riff: So what are you waiting for? Do it now!

Warpman (goes through the trap door): I found the base. Care to join me?

(In said base...)

Alarm: Intruders spotted! Intruders spotted!

Keroro (building a Gundam): Yeah, fine. Let Giroro deal with it.

Alarm: The intruders are heading towards the Gundam room.

Keroro: WHAT?!? Initiate Level 10 Emergency! Quint, can you call your Mercs now?

Hunter: Already done. (the Mercs walk in) See?

Magnus: So, can I blast them?

Giroro: We'd ... rather take prisonners.

Naoshi: Get ready, all. Here they come!

Riff *charging in with his gun firing*: Take this! *stops* Oh. Hi, Quint.

Hunter: Sorry, Riff. We're kinda in the middle of our business here.

Riff: Ah, sorry. Can I know who you work with this time, or is it a secret?

Hunter: Nah. That's the Keroro Platoon. They plan on invading Earth.

Staccato: Nonsense! This world will be only under Lord Wily's reign!

Keroro: ... You ... You blasted everything!

(Actually, every model in the room had gotten a shower of lead.)

Keroro *charging at Riff*: You will pay now!

Riff *kicks Keroro*: Get off, you.

Tamama: No one touches Sergeant-san! Eat the pain, fragger! *fires an energy ball at Riff*

(Said attack was blocked by Staccato.)

Staccato: And no one shall hurt mylord. I challenge thee, tadpole!

Tamama: You're on! *charges Staccato*

Keroro: Giroro. Your gun. Now!

Giroro: Y-yes, sir! (I never saw him like this since we landed here!)

Warpman: Hey, Red. Mind if I make frog steak with you?

Giroro (takes guns from seemingly nowhere): I'd like to see you try, freak. *opens fire*

Hunter: ... Er, we're still here.

Kururu: Kuku ... Well, it seems like you're a magician.

Karasū: And you, my friend, seem to be a nerd. And you need a good beating up.

Kururu: At last, someone worth my time. *snaps his fingers, resulting in a mech appearing* Still not giving up?

Karasū: How about a "no"? *sends a thunder bolt at the mech*

Lento: No one left for me?

Naoshi: Well, we're here.

Dororo: No! Today, I shall prove my worth by defeating you!

Lento: Cool. *opens fire at Dororo*

Dororo: *dodges and throws shuriken at Lento* Even the tallest mountains fall!

(And while nearly everyone was having a good time duelling, seven people weren't involved.)

Falling star: So, what do we do now?

Iga: I'd say we help the Platoon.

Magnus: And what if we shot on sight?

Naoshi: Kinda brutal.

Magnus: So? They won't be left to reply.

Hunter: I say we wait until the fight stops.

Shinobu: Didn't they pay us to help them taking over the world?

Hunter: Not for specifically fighting the Fatal Five, right?

Iga: Ah. A safe retreat. (All walk out)

Kayorei (closing the door): Taking sides is highly overrated, anyway.

(After a few minutes, silence occured.)

Falling star: Here goes. *opens the door* Woah.

(Both members of the Keroro Platoon and the Fatal Five were lying down, too hurt to move, in an accurate representation of post-Apocalypse.)

Hunter: ... Did they pay us yet?

Kayorei: That was an issue we kinda overlooked. That red guy only cared about weapons.

Hunter: So how about we get the Fatalists back to their base, leave to the Marauder and call it a day?

Naoshi: Works for me.

Shinobu: Better leave a word of excuses for these frogs.

(After a few minutes, in a now nearly empty room...)

Keroro *waking up*: My head ... Wait, where's everybody?

Dororo: Look. They left a paper behind.

Giroro: Just read it, please.

Dororo: "Dear Platoon, Sorry, but world conquest may be out of our league. We won't ask the money for our services."

Keroro: These cowards! I will make them bath in their own blood!

Giroro: Hey, calm down!

Dororo: "PS: Here's a check to repair the broken models. Sincerely yours, the Seven Mercenaries."

Keroro: They're the coolest guys ever!

Tamama: That's my Sergeant-san, always forgiving!

Kururu: Kuku ... These fellows gave me some ideas.

Keroro: Then go work on it! Our invasion will rise from its ashes once again!

Tamama: Hurray for the Sergeant!

Giroro: That's ... that's beautiful!

Dororo: "Rising from its ashes"? You mean it even started?

Keroro: ... You're no fun, Dororo.

(And what happened to the Fatalists? let's find out at Skull Castle!)

Crashman *picking up a paper*: "This package contains the Fatal Five. Handle with care."

Airman: Hey, isn't it Pińata Day tomorrow? Ben'll be delighted.

(... Poor guys.)

THE END

Mega Man and all related characters are property of Capcom. This is just fan-work here. Just acknowledging that this stuff isn't really ours.