Frogs Don't Make Good Contracts
Written by Hunter
(Our story begins ... somewhere. In Japan. Some kind of ... underground base. People ... plotting.)
Green: Thanks for the Shatner imitation.
Black: That's my Sergeant-san! Always finding the right words!
Red: You done fooling around? We have a meeting to attend, you know!
Yellow: Ku~kuku ... I can't wait all day, you know.
Green: Alright, alright. Everyone here? Good. Then -
Blue (in a puff of smoke): Hold it!
Green: Ah, yeah, we kinda forgot you.
Yellow: Again ... Kuu~kukukuku ...
(Excuse me, but would you mind telling me who you are?)
Green: Eh? You're a new narrator?
Red: You see? We have a second narrator already! We've been trying to invade Earth for way too long!
(Presentations, please!)
Green: Okay, fine.
Green frog: The name's Sergeant Keroro, leader of the Keroro Platoon!
Red frog: Corporal Giroro, ready to fight!
Blue frog: Lance-Corporal Doro-
Black frog: Private Tamama!
Blue frog: -ro.
Yellow frog: Meh. Sergeant-Major Kururu.
Keroro: So, that's done. Now, for the reason of the meeting, I have come up with a new strategy.
Giroro: This one can't be worse than controlling the radio emissions!
Keroro: You try coming up with a plan, and then you'll be able to talk!
Tamama: So, Sergeant-san, what is it today?
Keroro: Easy. We will use some external help.
(Quickly, the batracian officer takes a leaflet and throws it on the meeting table.)
Keroro: These people seem to have a good experience when it comes to fighting. We can certainly use it.
Giroro: I demand to see them before letting them handle the invasion.
Dororo: We must make sure they won't damage nature as well!
Keroro: Easy, easy! We'll strictly monitor them while they do the job! That way, we let them do the hard job, and guess who'll be rewarded by the Keron Army?
Giroro: B ... Brilliant!
Tamama: Perfect, Sergeant-san!
Dororo: I expected no less from you, leader.
Kururu: Deception, the easy way ... I like it. Say, wouldn't I influence you?
Keroro: Err ... thanks ... I guess?
(Meanwhile, let's see who they will work with.)
Hunter *running around the Marauder's living room and grabbing random Joes at the throat*: Shiniiing Fingeeeeer!
Iga *hands covered with paint blots, carrying a model*: There! Another warrior for the forces of Zeon!
(The living room is a complete mess: Gundam mangas lying around, half-built Gundam models all over the tables, and on TV ... You guess what's on.)
Naoshi *looking from a distance*: Mark my words. This is the last time we do a Gundam week-end.
Falling Star: You think they're insanely bored again?
Magnus: Maybe not bored, but insane, I'm sure of it.
Kayorei: How can you tell?
Magnus: There's obviously something wrong with Bandaï's choice of colors. Why would Char drive such a pink armor? It should be a dark red!
Naoshi, Kayorei, Falling Star and Shinobu: *back away slowly*
Magnus: What? Do I have bad breath?
Speaker: A requester is calling. I repeat, a requester is calling.
Hunter *stands up*: Back to work, then. Let's see who it is, but before ... *grabs a green model with a red left arm* I must expose Zakugarne on the main deck!
Kayorei: ... He painted a model at his effigy?
Shinobu *shrugs*: To everyone his hobby.
Magnus: That pun pains me.
(At the main deck...)
Keroro (voice-only): So, you're the Seven Mercenaries, right?
Hunter: Exactly, sir. And you are ...?
Keroro (voice-only): Sergeant Keroro. My platoon and I wish to meet you before giving a request. Coordinates have been handed to your crew.
Naoshi *while heading to the teleporters*: "Sergeant"? Think we may end up in a revolution of some sorts?
Iga: We can still deny the request, though. And remember, we have a captain on our side.
Shinobu: I'd ... rather not remember that bit.
Magnus: Okay, time to go zappy. 5-CO, go!
Crew Joe: Yes, sir. *tipes in the coordinates*
(One zappy later, the Mercs arrived in the Platoon's base. Actually, they were quite surprised to meet...)
Kayorei: Frogs?
Naoshi: Seriously, isn't a giant pitcher weird enough?
Falling Star: Gotta take money where it is. And there is a Toadman around.
Giroro: I admit, they look rather strong.
Dororo: They remind me of these video game characters ... I ... I remember...
(Chatting stops as all turn to Dororo.)
Dororo: I ... I was at the final boss ... only a shot and I would have beaten the game, and ...
(Click! Trauma switch turns on.)
Dororo: Keroro came in the room running ... and he tripped in the console's wires ... the TV fell and smashed the console and the game ... and I had to pay for everything! *sulks in a corner of the room*
Iga: Does it happen a lot here?
Keroro: Many times.
Keroro: Now, what do you say of visiting our base We have the arsenal, the hangars, the Gundam room...
Iga, Hunter and Magnus: Gundam!
Keroro: Fellow fans! At last!
(All three Gundam nerds happily run away, while Dororo still sobs in the corner.)
Kururu (walks to Kayorei): Excuse me, miss.
Kayorei (kneeling): Yeah?
Kururu: I have a specific request for you ... *whispers in Kayorei's ear* Kuu~kuku! Interested?
Kayorei: ... *slams Kururu in the wall* Anyone of you frogs not terminally insane or sick?
Giroro: I suppose it only leaves me. Lieutnants assuming command for their leaders, eh?
Naoshi: We don't really work that way. We're rather ... communist. Sharing leadership and all.
Giroro: Whatever. As long as one of you can give me details about your arsenal and fighting methods.
Falling Star *dramatic pose*: Let it be known that no weapon in our arsenal can match my combination of powers and skills! *looks around* Everyone's gone?
Dororo (still in the corner): (At last! A partner in loneliness!)
Falling Star *running away*: Wait for me!
Dororo: (Or not.)
(Meanwhile, in Skull Castle.)
Warpman: I can't believe it.
Karasû: Alas, it has happened.
Staccato: Who would have guessed such a feat was plausible?
Warpman: He beat us with friggin' Pichu!
Lento: Fatal Five want rematch?
Riff: *switches off TV* How about we put ourselves to work, for a change?
Warpman: You're like this because you didn't get to play, right?
Riff: Yeah! ... I mean, no! We must defeat the Mercs once and for all!
Staccato: Mylord, you are trying to convince yourself.
Lento: Merc activity: missing. Waiting suggested.
Mr. Whiz (coming in): Got news for you, people. We spotted the Mercs near Tokyo.
Warpman: See? What did we just tell you?
Staccato: Are you willing to play, master quickster? I believe I must let Roy have a well-deserved rest.
Mr. Whiz: Thanks for the offer, but no. Metal Man played with the mixer again.
Karasû: *cringes* We have some stain-remover in the cupboard.
Mr. Whiz: Good, I was nearly out. Gotta go! *runs away*
Warpman: Well, to Japan, I guess.
Riff: ...Yes.
(After a quick travel to said country, we find our friends on a roof...)
Lento: Target in sight?
Riff (with binoculars): I got them in sight. Walking out of a toy store, with a bag full of models. Hunter, Magnus, Iga and ... what the frak is that thing?
Warpman (snatching the binoculars): Some kind of giant frog. So?
Riff: First, it looks like it's talking. And how come no one seems to mind it?
Staccato *shrugs*: There may be stranger things in Japan happening every day. Do you remember the Warriors' tale, with these giant lizards?
Warpman: Hang on. It seems like no one minds it ... because no one seems to see it.
Karasû: Some sort of selective camoflage? I am intrigued.
Riff: Let's track them down!
(Both groups, consumers and spies, went to a normal-looking house.)
Riff: On the count of three, we break through the door and rush in.
Fatal Five: *nod*
Riff: One ... Two ... three!
SFX: CRASH!
Riff (under a pile of Fatalists): Door ... not closed ... can't feel my legs ...
(Under the house...)
Tamama: Huh? Did anyone else hear a crash?
Dororo (without looking up): They're probably trying out the arsenal ... without me ... *continues sobbing*
Tamama: No problem, then. *snatches a bag of chips and a comic*
(Fatalist time!)
Riff: Look all around the house! The Mercs could hide anywhere!
Staccato (from upstairs): Nothing here.
Karasû (in the kitchen): Same here.
Warpman (going through the first floor): Nope.
Lento (in the bathroom): ... What were we looking for again?
Riff *sighs*: Some secret passage. Like, this trap door here ... wait.
Warpman: I know what you'll say, oh great leader.
Riff: So what are you waiting for? Do it now!
Warpman (goes through the trap door): I found the base. Care to join me?
(In said base...)
Alarm: Intruders spotted! Intruders spotted!
Keroro (building a Gundam): Yeah, fine. Let Giroro deal with it.
Alarm: The intruders are heading towards the Gundam room.
Keroro: WHAT?!? Initiate Level 10 Emergency! Quint, can you call your Mercs now?
Hunter: Already done. (the Mercs walk in) See?
Magnus: So, can I blast them?
Giroro: We'd ... rather take prisonners.
Naoshi: Get ready, all. Here they come!
Riff *charging in with his gun firing*: Take this! *stops* Oh. Hi, Quint.
Hunter: Sorry, Riff. We're kinda in the middle of our business here.
Riff: Ah, sorry. Can I know who you work with this time, or is it a secret?
Hunter: Nah. That's the Keroro Platoon. They plan on invading Earth.
Staccato: Nonsense! This world will be only under Lord Wily's reign!
Keroro: ... You ... You blasted everything!
(Actually, every model in the room had gotten a shower of lead.)
Keroro *charging at Riff*: You will pay now!
Riff *kicks Keroro*: Get off, you.
Tamama: No one touches Sergeant-san! Eat the pain, fragger! *fires an energy ball at Riff*
(Said attack was blocked by Staccato.)
Staccato: And no one shall hurt mylord. I challenge thee, tadpole!
Tamama: You're on! *charges Staccato*
Keroro: Giroro. Your gun. Now!
Giroro: Y-yes, sir! (I never saw him like this since we landed here!)
Warpman: Hey, Red. Mind if I make frog steak with you?
Giroro (takes guns from seemingly nowhere): I'd like to see you try, freak. *opens fire*
Hunter: ... Er, we're still here.
Kururu: Kuku ... Well, it seems like you're a magician.
Karasû: And you, my friend, seem to be a nerd. And you need a good beating up.
Kururu: At last, someone worth my time. *snaps his fingers, resulting in a mech appearing* Still not giving up?
Karasû: How about a "no"? *sends a thunder bolt at the mech*
Lento: No one left for me?
Naoshi: Well, we're here.
Dororo: No! Today, I shall prove my worth by defeating you!
Lento: Cool. *opens fire at Dororo*
Dororo: *dodges and throws shuriken at Lento* Even the tallest mountains fall!
(And while nearly everyone was having a good time duelling, seven people weren't involved.)
Falling star: So, what do we do now?
Iga: I'd say we help the Platoon.
Magnus: And what if we shot on sight?
Naoshi: Kinda brutal.
Magnus: So? They won't be left to reply.
Hunter: I say we wait until the fight stops.
Shinobu: Didn't they pay us to help them taking over the world?
Hunter: Not for specifically fighting the Fatal Five, right?
Iga: Ah. A safe retreat. (All walk out)
Kayorei (closing the door): Taking sides is highly overrated, anyway.
(After a few minutes, silence occured.)
Falling star: Here goes. *opens the door* Woah.
(Both members of the Keroro Platoon and the Fatal Five were lying down, too hurt to move, in an accurate representation of post-Apocalypse.)
Hunter: ... Did they pay us yet?
Kayorei: That was an issue we kinda overlooked. That red guy only cared about weapons.
Hunter: So how about we get the Fatalists back to their base, leave to the Marauder and call it a day?
Naoshi: Works for me.
Shinobu: Better leave a word of excuses for these frogs.
(After a few minutes, in a now nearly empty room...)
Keroro *waking up*: My head ... Wait, where's everybody?
Dororo: Look. They left a paper behind.
Giroro: Just read it, please.
Dororo: "Dear Platoon, Sorry, but world conquest may be out of our league. We won't ask the money for our services."
Keroro: These cowards! I will make them bath in their own blood!
Giroro: Hey, calm down!
Dororo: "PS: Here's a check to repair the broken models. Sincerely yours, the Seven Mercenaries."
Keroro: They're the coolest guys ever!
Tamama: That's my Sergeant-san, always forgiving!
Kururu: Kuku ... These fellows gave me some ideas.
Keroro: Then go work on it! Our invasion will rise from its ashes once again!
Tamama: Hurray for the Sergeant!
Giroro: That's ... that's beautiful!
Dororo: "Rising from its ashes"? You mean it even started?
Keroro: ... You're no fun, Dororo.
(And what happened to the Fatalists? let's find out at Skull Castle!)
Crashman *picking up a paper*: "This package contains the Fatal Five. Handle with care."
Airman: Hey, isn't it Piñata Day tomorrow? Ben'll be delighted.
(... Poor guys.)
THE END
