Like a sentence from 300
Written by Hunter
(Our story starts in the streets of Megalopolis, where has-been actors can be seen harassing defenseless people.)
Hasselhoff: Com'on, girl, jump in my car! I just wanna take you home!
Yai (while backing off): N-no, thanks! It's not a long way from here!
Hasselhoff: And I was just bein' polite ...*snaps his fingers*
(Immediately, the Hoff's minion crashes the wall the poor girl was leaning on, knocking her out in the process. It happens.)
Kool-Aid Man: OOOH YEEAAAH!!!! ...Er ...Oops?
Hasselhoff: Bah, it's easier that way. Throw her in the car!
*CRASH!*
Hasselhoff: Not that strong! Anyways, KITT, get her out of here!
(By pressing a button on the dashboard, the girl got thrown out of the car, with extremely cheap FX.)
Kool-Aid Man: How was today's catch, boss?
Hasselhoff: Lemme see...some weird handheld computer, credit cards, a pound of 500$ banknotes...
KITT: Michael, a small browse of my databanks indicated me that this girl is the heir of a large multinational company. We could have gotten millions through a ransom.
Hasselhoff: Naw, too risky. Besides, we're close to our goal. Say, Kool-Aid, what were the results on your part?
Kool-Aid Man: Pretty good. A week or two, and we'll be able to do you-know-what.
Hasselhoff: Perfect! Now, let's hit the roads before the coppers come in!
(On those words, Kool-Aid Man jumped in the Hoff's car, and the trio zoomed away at super-speed, with their wheels barely moving. Surprising at the first time, but you get used to fequent such a weirdo.)
Hasselhoff: That's not nice, man!
(Whatever. So, what is this you-know-what the cherry-flavored horror referenced to? Is it a secret project? And what's the link with the Mercs?
Of course, I already read the script, so I know what'll happen, but spoiling everything would be mean. And I'm only paid if you read the whole thing.
Anyways, let's see how it goes a few days later in the Marauder.)
TV reporter: Another theft has been reported to the police, following the same pattern: a rich girl's been invited for a ride back home, and is later thrown out of the car, with all their possessions stolen. The police still has no clue about the thief's possible identity.
Shinobu: That thing has Hasselhoff written all over it.
Iga: True, but you remember his powers - he can escape in a split-second. Isn't it Kayorei? ...Kay?
(The female Merc, silent during the news broadcast, suddenly pointed her arm at Iga, shooting a point two inches above his head.)
Iga: ...*faints*
Kayorei: We go and stop him. Now.
Falling Star: Err, Kayorei, we don't have enough clues as of now.
Shinobu: Plus, remember what happened the last time you went on your own.
Kayorei: ...Alright. I'll be in my room.
(As she left the room, a Joe ran into her way, blocking the door.)
Kayorei: *kicking the poor Joe out of the way* Don't you have anything important to do? *walks out*
Crew Joe: The pain ...I can't feel my legs ...
Stardust: Okay, so what's the problem?
Crew Joe: It's about Mr Hunter. I think he hurted himself, because ...because ...*deactivates*
Shinobu: That's the fourth Joe Kayorei destroys this week.
Falling Star: Better them than us.
Naoshi: Anyways, I think we should go and see what's wrong with Hunter.
(With Shinobu taking Iga and the Joe back to the medical block, the remaining trio of Mercs wandered through the corridors, when they encountered...)
?: Do not step in the way of your Captain, sailors!
(...the weirdest duo possible: Hunter was wearing a long cape, and was followed by an exhausted-looking Joe, carrying a fan so that the cape could flap in the wind.)
Naoshi, Stardust and Falling Star: 0_0
Stardust: ...So, Hunter, how do you feel?
Hunter: Very fine, dear people, for I understood my true mission here!
Naoshi: And it is?
Hunter: Being the Captain of this vessel, of course! Now follow me to the main deck! Some directives must be taken care of!
Falling Star (muttering): Do you think he could be insanely bored?
Naoshi (muttering): Until further notice, no one touches him, right?
(Once they arrived on the main deck, Hunter rushed to the captain's seat, and sat, immediately adopting a shadowy look.)
Hunter: To all men! Invert port and starboard!
Stardust: What does he mean?
Crew Joe: Technically, he wants us to do a barrel roll.
Stardust: ...
Hunter: Perfect! Now, reverse stern and bow!
Naoshi: And now?
Crew Joe: A somersault.
Falling Star: How come we don't feel any shaking, anyways?
Hunter: It's all thanks to the constructor of this marvellous ship!
Stardust: ...You mean Wily?
Hunter: Exactly! He built some internal gravity system which ...Where did you go, sailors?
(During the explanation, the trio had fled away at full speed, only stopping in front of the medical block, where Iga has awoken.)
Falling Star: Lock every access to the main deck!
Naoshi: Hunter has gone insanely bored, and now, he talks about joining Wily!
Shinobu: First Kayorei, now Hunter ...what'll happen next?
(Patience, Shinobu, your answer will come in a few minutes...)
Alarm: Alert! Alert! Intruder on the main deck!
Naoshi: Think we should go and help Hunter?
Alarm: All signs tend to confirm the intruder is David Hasselhoff!
(A cloud of dust goes in front of the small quintet. Violet and golden flashes indicate it's Kayorei running at high speed.)
Iga: ...Definitely.
(When the Mercs arrive, they can see the main deck in a mess: the Joes are hiding, computers are torn open, Hunter's laying on the floor knocked out, and Kayorei is shooting at a flying Hoff, causing even more destruction!)
Hasselhoff (spotting the Mercs): Everyone here? Good! Let's go and look for your freedom!
(From a hand gesture, and a rather cheap *PLINK!*, the six conscious Teammates and the Hoff are teletransported to a poor area in the suburbs of Megalopolis, with abandoned houses everywhere.)
Iga: Hasselhoff! Why on Earth attacking us?
Hasselhoff: Hey, my appearances in Baywatch and Knight Rider didn't pay enough, so I started to use my powers of awesomeness in order to get rich the easy way!
Iga: But you can't do that! You were my idol!
The other Mercs & Hasselhoff: *stare oddly at Iga*
Iga: I mean ...You made cool clips ...and, well, they made me laugh and all ...
Hasselhoff: Anyways, since the day I met your purple comrade here, I went from failure to failure! But I met some budday who wants t'have a word with you!
Kool-Aid Man (crashes through a wall): OOHHH YEEAAAH!!!!!
Naoshi: ...God.
KITT (arrives at full speed and brakes in front of the Mercs, with a lot of screeching): Do not forget me either, Michael!
Stardust: KITT? But you were the coolest car ever!
Hasselhoff: Enough chit-chat, it's time to start the hunt! *disappears, along with his two henchmen*
Stardust: Where are they? Where are they?
(No sooner that he pronounces this words, KITT charges at him! He manages to block the vehicle, forcing it to get back.)
Naoshi: That thing can't follow us indoors! Let's go and hide!
Iga: Not a wise move. Remember, they have ...
(As expected, the cherry-flavored horror charges through a nearby wall, showering them with debris!)
Kool-Aid Man: OOH YEAAAH!!!!!
Stardust: Two can play that game, freak!
(Using his powerful leg engines, the porcine Merc catches the Kool-Aid Man, and throws him to the ground! But the monster gets back and attempts to flee by charging other walls, soon followed by Stardust, who throws even more pebbles around.)
Stardust (panting): Are ...you ...done yet?
Kool-Aid Man: NO WAAAYYY!!!!! (takes twin cannons from his back and shoots Stardust)
(Let me introduce you a new weapon: the Cherry Juice Cannon! Powered by the Kool-Aid Man's synthetic fluids, it allows him to shoot a thick red juice which clogs up articulations and smells of synthetic cherry. Awful.
With the mighty Hyper Storm fallen to the ground, the cherry freak targets the remaining Mercs, who can barely dodge the blasts!)
Falling Star: Two can play that game, cragstard! *shoots Water Blasts at Hyper Storm*
(Being occupied by this new opponent, the Kool-Aid Man didn't notice the three melee-oriented Mercs sneaking on him.)
Iga (using his staff like a golf club): This is for Stardust!
Naoshi (wrecking the glass with his energy-powered spear): For the destruction of our base!
Shinobu (slashing him with his Screw Crushers): I ...just don't like you!
(His body wrecked to shards, his fluids pouring on the ground, the Kool-Aid Man finally falls face-first on the ground, destroyed for good.)
Naoshi: That takes care of Moron n°1.
Iga: Now, where's the rest of these creeps?
Falling Star: More important, where's Kayorei?
Shinobu: I remember seeing her dodging KITT's charge, but then she disappeared.
The four Mercs: ...
Iga: ...Do you think the Hoff is still alive by now?
(Suddenly, they hear a scream. They drag Stardust back and get to the source, to see that Kayorei is in trouble: while focusing on the Hoff, she has to deal with KITT's charges.)
Shinobu: Someone needs a hand, here.
(The red Merc turned to his Crusher mode and charged at the autonomous car, forcing it into a semi-somersault, and leaving Kayorei enough time to throw a handful of Crackers into the Hoff's face!)
Hasselhoff (a hand on his now-bleeding face): This doesn't go as well as planned ...KITT, let's activate plan B!
KITT: As you wish, Michael!
(In a series of FX only obtained through a cheap budget and illegal substances, KITT gets back on its wheels, and starts to transform and become a look-alike of Wildrider, except with a blue "skin" and a red visor for eyes.)
Stardust (waking up): ...Wow. So the Hoff works with Decepticons?
(Then, KITT and David Hasselhoff merge and become ...
a hideous mix with KITT's body and the Hoff's face and jacket!)
"Mix": The name is Mecha-Selhoff!
(Whatever.)
Mecha-Selhoff: Anyways, if I stole all this money, it was to pay for KITT being able to transform! And now, y'all shall die!
(With these words, the ugly combiner jumps in the air, produces a gun out of thin air and starts shooting everything in sight, forcing the Mercs to hide.)
Kayorei: He's too strong airborne. Stardust, put him down.
Stardust: Okay.
(Jumping out of his hide, the giant Merc aims at the Hoff and shoots! The powerful detonation brings him to the ground, which Stardust takes as an advantage to charge him.)
Mecha-Selhoff: Y'love wrestling, too? What a coincidence!
(Then, the simili-Transformer gets steady on his feet and blocks the attack! This buys time for the Mercs, who attack and shoot the Hoff in the back - with little success!)
Mecha-Selhoff: Ye fools! KITT's been extra-armored with Metool-like plating! (ever wondered why it never got a scratch?)
(Then, the Hoff quickly spins on himself, knocking the Mercs down, only leaving Falling Star and Kayorei in front of him! While the aquatic Merc shoots at the Hoff's feet, sticking him in mud, her violet comrade throws Cracker on Cracker, creaking holes in their opponent's torso, when he finally decides to fly and shoot them!)
(His opponents down and ready to be achieved, the Hoff now does what every villain does in such a situation: gloating.)
Mecha-Selhoff: It's been quite a ride, people, but now I must get hooked on a feeling! Ciao, all! *readies his guns*
(He first aimed at Kayorei, when...)
*BLAST!*
(A burning-white ray tears the skies apart and turns Kayorei's nemesis to cinders! Their optics temporary blinded, the mercs raise their heads to see a giant, black-green form coming down to them!)
Hunter (through loudspeakers): Everything's alright, people? I'll warp you back to the ship. Quint, out.
(Minutes later, the Mercs are all gathered in the medical block. They were only stunned by the Hoff's attack, and Kayorei seems to be back to her usual self.)
Kayorei: I guess that even that guy can't survive a direct shot from a battleship.
Shinobu: And if it were the case?
Kayorei: Heh, anyone would need much time to heal from this.
Hunter: What worries me is the fact that the Kool-Aid Man came back. I thought he was buried in our temporary fortress.
Falling Star: Guess the Hoff was behind it.
Naoshi: ...So, Hunter, what happened to you?
Stardust: Yeah, were you insanely bored, or something?
Hunter: Well, uhm, nothing like that. It's just that I did an anime marathon the last week-end. Captain Harlock - about a space pirate who's the captain of a ship like the Marauder. So, I wanted to try being a captain.
The Mercs: ...
Hunter: It was such a cool anime, you know. Anyways, when I saw that you were in danger when I awoke, I tracked your signals down and blasted the Hoff to oblivions.
Iga: Another story that ends well, I guess.
(Except that, back to the battlefield...)
Hasselhoff: *pops from the melted metal, visibly unhurt* Gott, that smarts!
(In a series of incoherent gestures, the Hoff put both KITT and the Kool-Aid Man as brand as new.)
Hasselhoff: Damn, these guys are meddlesome.
Kool-Aid Man: So, what do we do now, boss?
Hasselhoff: Looking for freedom, of course! We'll go on a road-trip, and then, we'll plan our revenge on these robots!
KITT: Michael, I must remember you that you have a series of shows in las Vegas in less than two weeks.
Hasselhoff: ...Fine then. Shows, roadtrip, and then the revenge! Let's hit the road, gang!
(On these departure words, the Hoff Squad leaves, riding to the sun, even if it's totally out of their way. Sure, they may appear again, but not so soon, luckily.)
THE END
